Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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