yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices