I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight