Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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