He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Found the puke drawer
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
