it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
