You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
What drink are we having for lunch?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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