his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
