I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.