Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
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We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
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All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs