i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
They are going to name an STD after you.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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