I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
