he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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