I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
