Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
