paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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