At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
