OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
