I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
