i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
