he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
It's just like the Real World with babies
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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