I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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