She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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