I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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