I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
