apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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