he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
THAT is your concern right now?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.