btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
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Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
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The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder