my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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