don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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