What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
