Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize