He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
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Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
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He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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