thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.