he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.