My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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