I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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