i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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