How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
In other news, I just burned my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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