I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
