Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
