Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes