Your dad touched me again.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize