im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
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Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
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When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.