I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
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Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
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I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard