The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
