he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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