I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
