I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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