I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Is it because I queefed?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.