Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
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I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole