note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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