Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
did i walk over a car last night?
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On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
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Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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