He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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