Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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